The NBA playoffs are heating up, and they've put me in the mood for some music inspired by the hardcourt. Over the years, there have been some beloved basketball-related songs like "Sweet Georgia Brown," Cheech and Chong's "Basketball Jones," and even Skee-Lo's "I Wish." There have also been some air balls, and sometimes they're more enjoyable. So here are the worst basketball songs ever.
“Basketball” by Kurtis Blow
Is it me or was rapping really easy in the ’80s? In this song, Blow literally just lists a bunch of stuff you’d see at a basketball game in a simple, nursery rhyme rhythm. “I like slam dunks and taking it to the hoop./ My favourite play is the alley-oop.” That’s an actual line from the song, and it’s not even an especially bad line. “Basketball courts are made of wood./ Basketball is really, really, really good.” That’s not a line from the song, but it may as well be.
“Heart of a Champion” by Nelly
This may not be a purely basketball-themed song. While Nelly mentions several basketball players (Magic Johnson, Allen Iverson, etc.), he also compares himself to football stars Peyton Manning and Ray Lewis. What really makes it a basketball song is that the chorus samples NBC’s basketball theme song, and that’s also what makes it bad. The sampled song is called “Roundball Rock” and it’s by John Tesh, and you just can’t recover from sampling John Tesh in your song.
“Space Jam” by Quad City DJ’s
When I searched for the lyrics for this song, Google literally said, “What’s the matter with you?” It’s the title song from the 1996 Michael Jordan film, and it’s filled with basketball wisdom like “Come on and slam if you wanna jam.” Well, you can’t argue with that, but I also don’t know what it means.
“Shoot Pass Slam” by Shaquille O’Neal
How could this list not include Shaq? This song is off the retired basketball star’s 1993 debut album, Shaq Diesel, and in it he is being discouraged from shooting and passing in favour of dunking. While the song emphasizes the Big Aristotle’s explosive slam dunks, it may also be a sly reference to his underwhelming free throw percentage.
Shaq’s charm makes up for some of his shortcomings as a rapper, but there is one line that really puzzles me: “I’ll leave a bad taste in your mouth like boogers in coffee.” Well, nobody likes coffee breath but I’m not sure how much worse boogers are going to make it. How many boogers are you talking about, Shaq? Actually, never mind. I really don’t want to know.
“That’s How I Beat Shaq” by Aaron Carter
Carter released this song when he was still an adorable tween. The song details the events of a one-on-one game in which he defeats Shaquille O’Neal using cartoonish tactics like misdirection. (“I said, ‘Yo Shaq, you didn’t tie your shoelace.’”) Eventually, it turns out it was all a dream – or was it?! Also, if you like watching a video of someone shooting a basketball, and then the camera cuts to the hoop and you see the ball go in, this is the video for you.
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