Over the weekend, news broke of avowed "party rocker" Andrew W.K.'s appointment as cultural ambassador to the Middle East. After double checking it wasn't a story from The Onion, we settled in to mull the future, only to have this new reality shattered when the State Department decided to relieve Mr. W.K. of his duties.
Herein, how we imagine that dismissal was written.
Nov. 26, 2012
From the desk of Hillary Rodham Clinton, U.S. Secretary of State
Dear Mr. W.K.,
Thank you for your interest in working with our State Department. However, it has come to our attention that perhaps we were a bit hasty in our decision to make you the United States Cultural Ambassador to the Middle East.
In retrospect, we should have spent more time comparing your lyrical content with the cultural values and sensitivities of the region and our country’s own mission statement to help broker a more peaceful existence for our friends.
Chief among my observations in reviewing your records more closely is that you seem to advocate a ceaseless pursuit of hedonistic activities.
Narcotics, casual intercourse and “partying” are referenced numerous times in almost every song you’ve ever written. I accept that our first clue should have come from the titular track off your 2001 album, “It’s Time to Party,” in which you rally the listener to “have a killer party” and “Open your mouth, we’re all gonna come/ In your face/ It’s time to party.”
Equally troubling is “I Came for You,” with its reference to “stains on our walls,” and “Make Sex,” which utilizes the basic refrain “Want to make sex?” repeatedly. “Pushing Drugs” references both sex work and narcotics: “You want to get rich? Well, listen to this/ You got to lick your lips and give it a kiss/ Another hot (hot) shot (shot) into your mouth/ And then you take your money way down south/ Pushing drugs.”
You also express many violent tendencies. In your song “Party ‘Til You Puke,” you write “We dent, we rob/ we choke, we gun/ we kill, we stab/ we rob, we steal/ Party ‘til you puke.” In “Ready to Die” you state “This is your time to pay/ This is your judgment day/ We made a sacrifice/ And now we get to take your life.”
To say nothing of the nihilistic approach to life conveyed in “Your Rules,” wherein you advise, “We will never listen to your roles/ We will never do what others do/ If you want a fight we’ll fight with you.”
While your language is colourful and, indeed, collectively paints a vivid picture of a post-post-post revolutionized democracy, we take the role of Cultural Ambassador seriously and have decided to pursue other artists at this time.
We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavours.
Sincerely,
Hillary Rodham Clinton
U.S. Secretary of State